Spiderwebs & Women's Web of Relationships

A husband and wife are out for a rare, intimate dinner when the wife's cell-phone buzzes (she has been considerate enough to turn the phone to vibrate).  She tries to ignore the phone but grows anxious.  She finally pulls it out of her purse and looks at it and puts it back in her purse.  He seems visibly bothered and stops talking.  Before long, things have deteriorated and they finish their intimate dinner talking about how he is being unreasonable and he complains that she can't even put things aside for one evening to devote herself to him.

I believe men and women often have enormous difficulty understanding some fundamental differences between the sexes.  Women arise in the context of a web of relationships.  Their identity is tightly connected to the relationship environment in which they develop.  For many women, their sensitivity and awareness to the web of relationships is extraordinarily well developed.

It is like a spider on a web.  If something tickles some distant part of the web, even one in the periphery, the spider is immediately aware.  It demands the spider's attention.  That is how women feel ripples in the web of their relationships.  So when the phone rings it doesn't matter that they have a responsible babysitter, she has felt the ripple.  Maybe it is the kids.  If she tries to ignore the buzzing phone, she feels a gripping degree of agitation.  She has to check what is disturbing the web.

Now men do not arise in a matrix of relationships.  Men are encouraged to believe that our identity is crafted from distinguishing ourselves from others and sometimes by outright opposition.  Men are very adept at isolating one relationship from another.  The interconnectedness of their relationships is often not as inherently relevant to a man.  So when he is with his wife for their intimate dinner out, he is not as aware of the vast web of relationships in which his life exists.  His resentment at his wife's need to check her phone fails to appreciate how embedded his wife is in her web of relationships.  His wife is likely to misunderstand that her husband experiences her checking the phone as and either/or phenomenon.  When he has her attention he is reassured that he is of central importance.  When she checks the phone or attends to any other ripple in the web of relationships, he may feel he has been displaced, or cast out to the periphery of her web.  Men have enormous trouble understanding that in a web, every strand is, in a sense, connected to every other strand.

If a man can remain mindful that his wife must attend to the entire web of her relationships.  And a woman may benefit from remaining mindful that her husband wants to be assured that he is at the center of her world, even if just for a moment.  And both men and women will benefit by accepting difference as inherent.  If a couple can do this, they may be able to develop effective ways of honoring their differences and perhaps learn from one another.

Addressing Chronic, Unproductive habits

If you suffer depression or anxiety here's an idea for dealing with chronic, unproductive habits that aggravate psychological symptoms.  Suppose you were intending to write an instruction manual whose purpose it was to assure that your symptom or complaint would either be provoked or aggravated.  What methods do you use to arouse a symptom or perpetuate it.  For example, if you were someone given to anxiety perhaps your list might look something like this:

• Whenever possible, think about things that are far off in the future about which you can do nothing.
• When something good happens begin thinking about how it could turn sour.
• When something frightens you, avoid it, even if it is important.
• Convince yourself that everyone is paying attention to how anxious you appear.
• Consider that at any moment others might discover that you are really a fraud.
• Remind yourself often of occasions when things went badly.
• When things are bad, tell yourself that things could be worse.
• etc

Try to compile your list of phrases in generic terns by looking for the general theme of what you do that makes you more anxious.  This exercise is a gentler way of addressing your chronic complaint.  

Buddhist Geeks

An interesting website http://www.BuddhistGeeks.com/

Sidewalk Art, Out of Body Experiences, and the Nature of Reality

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/01/3d-sidwalk-art-that-will_n_478649.html 


 How do you understand perspective and the tricks our mind plays upon us and our perceptions?  Look at the images of sidewalk art.  The enchantment comes from how easily we shift frames in these amazing 2-Dimensional images that convey such a dramatic 3-D experience.  

Consider the recent evidence that Out of Body Experiences can be induced experimentally with the use of virtual mannequins.  http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/6960612.stm

Let these things percolate for a moment and then consider that we are always seeing a map, a representation of the world that reflects the sum of our pas experience (and the conditioning of our cognitions), our bias arising from limbic centers regulating emotions, and various other contributing factors.

Our understanding of reality should reflect the fact of such oddities in our cognitive function.  It should also give us all pause when we become too self-assured about what we know.

Are Insurance Companies Adding Value?

Check out this article from the New England Journal of Medicine published in 2003.  It compares the administrative costs for the United States healthcare system and the Canadian healthcare system.  Though the data is about a decade old, the implications are just as provocative, perhaps more provocative, at this time of fervent debate and bombastic rhetoric.  Here is a link to the article http://www.pnhp.org/publications/nejmadmin.pdf

In the midst of such strident posturing we are ignoring certain fundamental themes.  So, I pose the following question.  What value is the health insurance industry adding to the landscape of providing comprehensive health care to our nation?

Performance Anxiety and Beta-Blocking Medicine

Someone recently asked me about anxiety that had erupted since she started having to speak to strangers to grow a MLM business she had just started. The answer I provided may be helpful to others.

Your anxiety is tightly bound to the context, having to speak in front of people you don't know about the business. This is an important and distinguishing feature from certain other anxiety disorders where there is not always such a clear and solitary cause or provocation of the anxiety.

There are two distinct features to anxiety of this sort. The involves the acute anxiety brought on during (or in proximity to) an occasion when you must speak to people about the business. There is a second kind of anxiety that involves anticipation of the situation of having to speak to others about the business. The second variety of anxiety involves the fear, expectation or dread that you will experience a surge of anxiety. These two different aspects to your anxiety call for slightly different approaches.

Remember that racing heart, tremor, rapid breathing (often somewhat more shallow), feeling flushed, mild sensations of lightheadedness, and the subjective sense of anxiety are symptoms that are mediated by two chemicals, epinephrine & norepinephrine. These chemicals are released in response to a perceived threat. They provide the physiological basis for the fight or flight response. There is a class of medicines, beta-blockers, that effectively block the peripheral effects of these chemicals (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, tremor, etc).

There are some other aspects of your history that may be pertinent. Below are listed some of the items that might typically be explored in an initial visit.

Past History

If you have ever had a previous history of acute anxiety attacks, particularly attacks of anxiety that arose without a clear provocative stimulus, this may have bearing upon the approach to treatment. I would also have potential implications for your children (in that they might be slightly more at risk of experiencing panic attacks sometime in their lifetime.

Family History

If you have family who have experienced acute anxiety attacks, that may be relevant. As you can imagine, persons with anxiety symptoms are embarrassed by their symptoms so it is not unusual for family to keep their symptoms and suffering to themselves.

Past Medical History

Although I asked you about a history of irregular heartbeat, let me encourage you to check your pulse the next time you are feeling the acute anxiety. It is unlikely that you have an irregular heartbeat but sometimes a person may notice an occasional dropped beat or irregularity to their rhythm. If you noticed something like b-b-b- - - b-b- - - b-b-b-b-b-b- - - b-b (a slight pause) that would be worth noting and mentioning to your physician. When your heart is examined it may be that a murmur or click is heard. This may occur with persons who have a mitral valve prolapse, a condition that is usually not serious but is associated with panic attacks.

Your anxiety is similar to stage fright and there are accomplished performers who sometimes use beta-blockers to suppress the symptoms of their anxiety. Beta-blocking drugs include agents like Inderal (propranolol), Tenormin (atenolol), and metoprolol. Your doctor will tell you if you have any contraindications to taking these medicines (for example, rhythm disturbances of your heart or asthma)They interfere with the action of epinephrine and norepinephrine. Consequently, they can slow heart rate and lower blood pressure, suppress tremor, reduce flushing, etc

Ideally, these medicines will permit you to suppress the symptoms of anxiety which often cause persons to feel embarrassed thereby aggravating the anxiety. Once you are assured that you can master the situation that makes you anxious, you may not need to utilize the beta-blocker.

Another approach involves the use of anti-anxiety medication, like Xanax (alprazolam), Ativan (lorazepam), Valium (diazaepam). These agents are effective in reducing anxiety by their effects on the brain and the regions that are responsible for anxious perceptions and flight from a noxious stimulus. Many individuals considering using these medications express concern about their potential for tolerance and addiction. Ideally, they would be used for short-term relief to help a person refrain from avoidance of whatever situation is challenging them (in your case speaking in front of others). If you were to resort to using this, then it would also be episodic. Provided you are using these agents on an occasional basis there is little risk of becoming physiologically dependent. Of course, if you come to believe that the only thing likely to give you relief is a medicine in this class it can foster a sort of psychological dependence.

Keep in mind, whether it is a beta-blocker or an anti-anxiety agent you use, you will also be continuing to push yourself to get through those difficult situations and you will continue to use rational self-talk to combat the anxiety. It helps to know that the best rational self-talk may provide little relief when a person is experiencing persistent anxiety.

As you grow more familiar and comfortable speaking to others, you may find the anxiety subsides. I urge you to keep in mind that mastering anxiety is something that really builds self-esteem. Not all anxiety is bad. When you find yourself able to speak to others about the business without feeling overcome by anxiety, you will discover again the value of mastering anxious impulses.

I hope others will find something helpful in this post.